I FINALLY FOUND THE TRUTH

 Lately, I've been suffering with many setbacks in myself and even in my family. I've been facing with a lot of challenges and most especially, I don't even appreciate these problems and the blessings. I even blamed HIM for causing it to me but I don't realized that He is preparing me to be strong for a more difficult challenges in the future. He don't even answered my prayer for whatever reason he might have- maybe I'm still lacking and I need more time to get ready. At some point in my life, I'm always looking for someone to blame to. Not even realizing that all these things happened for a reason and I'll just found out after I reach Him out yesterday. 

I've been sick these past few weeks and I've been suffering these whole time. My family are away from me so I have to stand alone cause I don't have any one to lean on and I have to cry silently because that's my only option. I cried all night, hoping to get the answer from you but I'm even puzzled for giving me such difficult events and it hurdles my self being. I don't even remember who I really am. At this age that almost a lot of people I knew have their own life and timeline. But when it comes to me, I feel like I don't even take a steps forward. I know it's not good to compare myself and my life to others but what can I do. I set a possible plan, but the plan I'm thinking is not even on the level of life that I am in. I said when I reach 30, I will be getting my dream job, my dream house, dream workplace and my dream life, even getting a life such as building my own family and having a peaceful life. That is most people do nowadays. But I almost turning 32 this year and I haven't done anything like those plans. 

I'm still struggled getting a new life career because I believed that getting to my dream workplace leads me to be a better person. I'm building a high wall on my comfort zone that I can't see the real meaning of life. I believe if I choose to take a risk- it's either won or failed but atleast there is no loser in this life path. When you succeed, you won. When you failed, you learn. And time has been moved on. It's not the end of the world when you failed. Life starts when you try something new. Changes is constantly moving our life and there is no permanent problems and hardship. All may past in God's timing. Just leave all our worries to Him and let's lead our life with His guidance and I think that's what is important.

Let me go back to storytelling. I've been looking for an opportunities to get a new career. I just started preparing for a very long time. But this year,I started taking a new steps. I started sending hundreds of application requirements and still in the progress of preparing other documents. But the sad thing is even once I can't have a good returned feedback. Then a week ago, I received a good news, it a job invitation telling me that I can contact them if I'm still willing to apply for the role. But I suddenly got scared and surprised because I've been wanting this for such a long time. I've waited half a year and when this opportunities came, I passed it down because I even trying to reach out on myself and determine how do I deal with it. Sadly, I don't even handled it properly because I'm afraid I will become foolish when answering TMthe questions in the interview, I'm afraid I can't even review my answer and I even questioned my own abilities and knowledge. I'm still asking myself, do I worthy of Your grace. That time I realized, I don't have a clear intention and all these thinga happened because He is preparing me to be a strong person, to handle every challenge given to me. If I'm still want to be successful in my reaching my dreams. I have to face all these challenges as these are your prime motivator to move on with my life. And no one can take care of our life unless you - yourself. He is the prime mover of chances and we are the doer. Have trust on Him cause He will set you back to your best self. 

Full of unfortunate

May 15th is the memorable date in my life as this is the first day I started serving my nation. This 2023, I turned into 10 years in service and I'm currently on leave for the 2nd time. The first one is 3 months before the start of the class and now it's 1 month before the end of the school year. This year is not gonna be a great year for me because a lot of challenges and hardship were actively pushing my luck.

I started the school year with a good break because I finally went on my dream travel when we went to Cebu-Bohol last August 2022. Spending the rest of the summer and first time get-together with friends after the pandemic. Soon after, I met my new set of students in this school year. Everything went well but soon after the October break, I got involved in an accident on November 1, I broke my hands, got a cast on my right hand, having some bruises all over my body and slightly damaged my face. I spend 2 months of rest to treat some of the damaged bone to get back to it's function. It was a turn of events because when I received treatment and my mom took care of me. On December, I have to take care of her since she was confined in an hospital because of her diabetes and she happens to experience a mild stroke. This certain period of this year is the hardest because almost all of us were worried and doing our best to take care of her. My mom did not recognized what really happening to her body. She insisted that she will come back to her usual activities. And it was really hard when 'the mother' is sick. Out of other member of the family, mother is the center and foundation of the house so when she was not there, everything will become difficult.  All duties and responsibilities will be transfer to the rest of the family members. It become even harder to save at this time because mother have many neccessities and I can't even afford to offer what she wanted because I am just an employee who earned enough money or sometimes I earned just by paying bills, and medical obligations. I have to think first the family before myself. Right now, I can't even get a simple vacation because I'm afraid it requires a lot of money. And it's really hard to see that when someone in the family needs your support and you just go to vacation and spend time with friends to eliminate the worries and stress. Then at the end of the day, you won't go either. You just save the money to settle the price of medicine for next month. 

After I returned to my work, I started to think about leaving my job and finding a well paid job outside my country. I start learning the ins and outs of job application. I started working on my resume, cover letter, reference letters and sending to hundreds of schools, districts and postings to internet. The January turned to February, then turne re to March, turned to April and now it's May. I only received unfortunate messages and emails and I haven't gone through principal interviews or virtual job fairs. I almost lost hope and confidence and even ask my self worth and self Identity. I'm thinking that why is it hard for them to pause and take a short notice on my application. How can I make an improvement? I started at the earlier but ended up at this point. I thought, I can have a peaceful life for the rest of the school years since the end is approaching. But it suddenly a turn of events again. Because 2 days before I finally turn into 10 years in service. I started noticing the unusual changes in my body- particularly in my face. I just completed a seminar- workshop when I noticed some big redness all over my face. When I came home, it was a big surprised that my body were covered by red spots and some blisters. I didn't recognized it first since this is my first time seeing this. I keep on searching on the internet what kind of skin disease it is.  To my surprised it is a contagious disease called a chickenpox. When I learnt it, I can't stop crying. I know after 2 or 3 weeks, I'm gonna be cured. But what I'm really not convinced on the fact that after I get rid of this disease. The blister spots does not  leaves my body and that's what I'm really pisses off. I spend my whole life taking care of my body and being aware of how can I protect myslef from unusual disease and here, I am now facing this disease alone. I'm taking care of myself- I do house chores even if I have cold, I have to take care of my food even if I lost appetite, I have to endure the pain even my feeling is so much in pain and I have to do it alone because I don't inconvenience from others. But what I'm thinking right now...

It this really the result of my 10 years . . .

After a lot of hardship,

I really fight for the future of these kids

Now, what I gained from them?

Illness? sickness? Disease?

This is I'm expecting 15 to 20 years from now

But why is it so early for you to get here

I'm not even prepared myself yet

I'm not even started with my plan yet

Now I don't know what to do right now

I'm thinking of taking a risk this year

But it was a turn of events

I have to stop dreaming

Cause I have to endure with this afterall

But it makes me want to curse this job, this life, this moment.

I'm really mad and afraid of what comes next

I spend my 10+ years serving my nation, the kids and parents and even community. But the fact that in every sacrifices, there is also a very big sacrifice that you need to do in order for you to become a great hero. Hey, I didn't ask for too much like I wanted to put my statue in the center of the park/ where people are usually cross by or whatsover. Is it really hard to serve the nation? I just wanted to be a simple individual who do her job and get paid from it. But it was not like that, I just need to suffer first before dealing with it. I didn't ask for it. Even 10 years ago, I never wanted to be on this track but the circumstances lead me on this path. But why it is so hard to leave this. Why does everytime I have this quitting mind, problem arises and it's really hard to exit from that situation. 

 I'm on another sick leave. 2nd time for this school year. This time, I have to say that it is the result of other's careless. Careless for not infoming me that the kid is having this contagious health issue and now I'm suffering from this either. I just wanted to cry cause right now I have no intention to go to work because of this humiliation. I have to spend months of years of getting treatment before totally get back to what I'm used to be. I'm losing my mind, losing my self control and losing my confidence. It's not gonna be hard for me if it's happen to be  my mistake but it someone else's carelessness and I'm really mad. I have to fix myself for years of years before getting a life again. I'm in my early 30's and I think it's even harder to get in a relationship because my appearance became like this. I looks like a dirt or something I'm not really proud of. How can I contain myself after this? This is a total mess. 

Teacher's Reward of Teaching

The Happiest Teachers Cherish the Rewards of Teaching

At first, I didn't realize it. 

Imagine, I started entering the field and taking the role of a teacher at the early age and the rest is history. But let me give you a short notice of how my life turns upside down after that, I always dreaming of working outside the country and it''s been my dream for a long time so after that certain plan didn't go as well, I started to give up and put all my hopes in His perfect timing.

Let's continue with the story-telling. I was a graduate in Elementary Education and just started working right after my graduation🎓in 2012. I found job in teaching while waiting for my papers to be finalized since I was waiting for the help and approval of my cousin to petition me to go work to Dubai. But you know, maybe that opportunities/ luck is not meant for me. By then, I don't know what to do after that  He gives me a different plan and that is to give my passing scores in my first try. He gives me confidence and wisdom to give my best and nailed the exam. I am 'literally' a licensed teacher now, I started working on my application and it was a good thing that the school I'm doing volunteer absorbed me to get the job. In 2013, I become a licensed teacher and finally give the status of Preschool classroom teacher item. But they ask me to study for a Professional Education and take up Early Childhood Education to sustained my item and be fully equipped to teach Kindergarten pupils. I completed the required units and gained my Regular/Permanent status. 

Summer break was approaching and I received a news that I'm doing another summer class for that year and it was continues until next year of 2015. I'm totally burned out and I want to leave the job as soon as possible. The pain on my throat and the exhaustion keeps reminding me that this is not what I wanted in the first place. But out of necessity, I continue with the journey. 

In the year 2016, my colleagues invited me to continue our degree into Masters. At first, I insisted because it's gonna be hard and it was never been my plan. I never wanted to continue any education related to teaching because I was really thinking of leaving the country when I get the chance so what's the point. But maybe this is also His plan for me so I continue entering to the path of another professionalism.

 At the same year, I was invited to gained experience in an Exchange Program which will be held in South Korea. I was surprised and equivocated because I'm thinking if I'll go to this trip or take back my decision since there's  something happening on my body that time that makes me think if I can really able to go. But I made it, I finally get the chance to went abroad, for the first time to meet other people and loving the places and culture of the country. It ended after 5-days, I return to the country to save all the memories and return to my usual day-to-day work habits. My dream of wanting to work abroad become stronger so I tried planning to end my debt accounts and try making it possible after I've done with it. I have been to different places and experienced many tours after going to Korea but it was always the most special and the best. 

In 2018, I graduated and finally completed my Master's degree and gained the title of M.A. holder. But I still don't get the satisfaction I wanted. The next year, I got my promotion (to be reclass) and given the opportunity to raise my salary so I can save for my future. Though, I'm aware of the additional duties but I'm quite skeptical for not recognizing it. I didn't realize it to be so hard. I never thought that a salary increased tends me to lost balance on my work-life. I'm become afraid of the salary increase every year because I know that we were given more work tasks as compare to the previous one. I become more drained and the only thing that keeps me energized are the city tours and tours at the neighboring places in Luzon (La Union, Tarlac, Bicol, etc). 

I almost lost accounts with my previous hobbies and interests and totally become a different person especially after the pandemic. It's been hard for me to connect more to other people because I spent 3 years on my comfort zone most of the time and I was only interacting on the same person as I connected with everyday. I'm dealing with this problem now, I want to gain my confidence in dealing with people. I really not enjoying at all. Day-by-day I'm losing myself and I really want to look for myself and how big this world is and how wonderful life beyond my comfort zome. 

 The desire to work in other country in a different job and to do things that I really wanted become even stronger. When I've seen a plane up in the sky, I always tell myself 'in no time I'll be there as well'. To my surprise, I have a chance for another tour and it was all set in Cebu-Bohol. I've been experienced getting on a plane again and go for a travel, tried new things and enjoyed times with colleagues. My new school year started well because of this trip. It makes me feel alive again. I know I complain too much everyday but always take my job seriously and I'll make sure it never affects my works/ accomplishing my duties. Maybe I just need it to express the feeling of exhaustion

However, Something serious happened on November of last year, I had an accident. It was a life- altering experience in my entire existence. Upon thinking it, I started to feel blessed as it's going to be my second life after all. I'm grateful for His blessings and protections, He made me feel secure and I'm trusted him more that He never leaves my side and He will always there for us. The mishap continues at the end of the year, my mother was sick and confined because of her increased sugar level and a mild stroke. We are grateful that she finally came back to her usual self though, she become weaker and weaker and it was not easy. The months after she confined is the hardest because we tried to support her and almost gives all of our time and effort by staying at her side every time and  even at her darkest. I think this is really the value of a Filipino family. We hold on together and face the challenges together. This is also the time, I've become fully confident to drop everything and look for a better opportunities wherein I can earn money to support for my family and even for my future. 

Career and family are my greatest motivation now, relationship comes at the bottom of my priorities. I never realize what will happen to me when I continue having no partner in life. At the age of 31, do I still have someone to lean on and maybe He have more plan to me before meeting my someone. A lot of friends reminding me - Who will I be with when I gets old. I'm also thinking about that, but what's more important now is the family that needs my support. I have to sacrifice for now and I know this will be good for the sake of my loved ones. I believe in a good Karma, everything will be rewarded whatever level of work you've made.

Today, I will tell you what was my greatest reward as a teacher on almost 10 years of teaching. I never realized it at first but this year has been moved me because it keeps reminding me how to be a teacher. I'm glad to see my former pupils 10 years ago. They are my pupils on the first year of my teaching and they all grown well. They approach me and try to reach out on me. There's also a time when I forgot their names and I'm really trying to remember it and when I finally recognized, they will show sign of relief seems like "I'm glad my teacher still remembered me". I don't know what so special about this day but March 24 is unforgettable. In the morning, I've seen Jonnel, one of the jolly kid and probably my favorite pupils in my first summer class. He held my hand and put it on his forehead as a sign of respect and greetings. He still remember the values I instill on them everytime they've seen a teacher. He greeted me and I still feel the closeness we had. During noontime, I've seen 2 of my pupils on my 1st year of formal teaching in Kindergarten. At first, I didn't remembered the name but I tried remembering this kid. He was kinda active and probably one of my favorites during his time. I'll try to bring to mind until I remembered it. It's Joevy and the other one is Rommel. They even remind me how good to be a teacher way back long, making a lot of memories when I'm still a young teacher and untrained. It was the best year of my teaching years. It was Ericka who approach me that afternoon at the same day, I can't remember their names but I'm recognized their faces and I've how they respectful she is. As I remember this kid is very playful and silly but I know she is a good kid. It's good to see them grew up like that. I never imagine that I'm meeting this teenagers and made me realize how good to be a teacher  because I build a strong foundation on this kid's life. I'm the first mentor who takes them to the fist step of their life so It's heartwarming to see them grow and realize their dreams. I'm proud to be their teacher because I used to teach this kids. These little kids are full grown teenagers now and I'm really proud of them. It was also good to hear their big dreams since my profession  for over a decade are all paid off. They even ask questions about their future and it seems like they want me to get involved in planning for their future. I'm glad and that's how I wanted my former pupils to be - an independent and responsible individual.

They've been realized their dreams and I'm really proud of them and even myself. It's now my turn to give time for myself to grow and find what's I'm really looking for. I'm not only planning this time but I'm claiming to be a different person and build my life across other nation. I believe I learned from my experience and I'm still continue learning from it. Now is the perfect time to try it before deciding if I'm really fit here or not fit in the track that I'm leading and even dreaming for a long time. I don't want to spill out any regrets coming from my mouth because that's the greatest mistakes I'll be doing if I keep on blaming myself or other people for the decision that I didn't make. After all It's my choice and I have the full control over my decision. Let me believe in myself for once and have confidence that I can do this because I believe I have to try holding on my dreams even once. I have to stand tall and aim high for my dreams. I'm always be a kid dreaming of becoming someone better from the version that I am in today. 

This Moving Up Song Presentation of Kinder pupils S.Y. 2016-2017 held on April 6, 2017. The graduating batch this school year 2023.  One of my favorite video because I'm singing on the background. Video not mine. 📽 Marichu Y.DR.