May 15th is the memorable date in my life as this is the first day I started serving my nation. This 2023, I turned into 10 years in service and I'm currently on leave for the 2nd time. The first one is 3 months before the start of the class and now it's 1 month before the end of the school year. This year is not gonna be a great year for me because a lot of challenges and hardship were actively pushing my luck.
I started the school year with a good break because I finally went on my dream travel when we went to Cebu-Bohol last August 2022. Spending the rest of the summer and first time get-together with friends after the pandemic. Soon after, I met my new set of students in this school year. Everything went well but soon after the October break, I got involved in an accident on November 1, I broke my hands, got a cast on my right hand, having some bruises all over my body and slightly damaged my face. I spend 2 months of rest to treat some of the damaged bone to get back to it's function. It was a turn of events because when I received treatment and my mom took care of me. On December, I have to take care of her since she was confined in an hospital because of her diabetes and she happens to experience a mild stroke. This certain period of this year is the hardest because almost all of us were worried and doing our best to take care of her. My mom did not recognized what really happening to her body. She insisted that she will come back to her usual activities. And it was really hard when 'the mother' is sick. Out of other member of the family, mother is the center and foundation of the house so when she was not there, everything will become difficult. All duties and responsibilities will be transfer to the rest of the family members. It become even harder to save at this time because mother have many neccessities and I can't even afford to offer what she wanted because I am just an employee who earned enough money or sometimes I earned just by paying bills, and medical obligations. I have to think first the family before myself. Right now, I can't even get a simple vacation because I'm afraid it requires a lot of money. And it's really hard to see that when someone in the family needs your support and you just go to vacation and spend time with friends to eliminate the worries and stress. Then at the end of the day, you won't go either. You just save the money to settle the price of medicine for next month.
After I returned to my work, I started to think about leaving my job and finding a well paid job outside my country. I start learning the ins and outs of job application. I started working on my resume, cover letter, reference letters and sending to hundreds of schools, districts and postings to internet. The January turned to February, then turne re to March, turned to April and now it's May. I only received unfortunate messages and emails and I haven't gone through principal interviews or virtual job fairs. I almost lost hope and confidence and even ask my self worth and self Identity. I'm thinking that why is it hard for them to pause and take a short notice on my application. How can I make an improvement? I started at the earlier but ended up at this point. I thought, I can have a peaceful life for the rest of the school years since the end is approaching. But it suddenly a turn of events again. Because 2 days before I finally turn into 10 years in service. I started noticing the unusual changes in my body- particularly in my face. I just completed a seminar- workshop when I noticed some big redness all over my face. When I came home, it was a big surprised that my body were covered by red spots and some blisters. I didn't recognized it first since this is my first time seeing this. I keep on searching on the internet what kind of skin disease it is. To my surprised it is a contagious disease called a chickenpox. When I learnt it, I can't stop crying. I know after 2 or 3 weeks, I'm gonna be cured. But what I'm really not convinced on the fact that after I get rid of this disease. The blister spots does not leaves my body and that's what I'm really pisses off. I spend my whole life taking care of my body and being aware of how can I protect myslef from unusual disease and here, I am now facing this disease alone. I'm taking care of myself- I do house chores even if I have cold, I have to take care of my food even if I lost appetite, I have to endure the pain even my feeling is so much in pain and I have to do it alone because I don't inconvenience from others. But what I'm thinking right now...
It this really the result of my 10 years . . .
After a lot of hardship,
I really fight for the future of these kids
Now, what I gained from them?
Illness? sickness? Disease?
This is I'm expecting 15 to 20 years from now
But why is it so early for you to get here
I'm not even prepared myself yet
I'm not even started with my plan yet
Now I don't know what to do right now
I'm thinking of taking a risk this year
But it was a turn of events
I have to stop dreaming
Cause I have to endure with this afterall
But it makes me want to curse this job, this life, this moment.
I'm really mad and afraid of what comes next
I spend my 10+ years serving my nation, the kids and parents and even community. But the fact that in every sacrifices, there is also a very big sacrifice that you need to do in order for you to become a great hero. Hey, I didn't ask for too much like I wanted to put my statue in the center of the park/ where people are usually cross by or whatsover. Is it really hard to serve the nation? I just wanted to be a simple individual who do her job and get paid from it. But it was not like that, I just need to suffer first before dealing with it. I didn't ask for it. Even 10 years ago, I never wanted to be on this track but the circumstances lead me on this path. But why it is so hard to leave this. Why does everytime I have this quitting mind, problem arises and it's really hard to exit from that situation.
I'm on another sick leave. 2nd time for this school year. This time, I have to say that it is the result of other's careless. Careless for not infoming me that the kid is having this contagious health issue and now I'm suffering from this either. I just wanted to cry cause right now I have no intention to go to work because of this humiliation. I have to spend months of years of getting treatment before totally get back to what I'm used to be. I'm losing my mind, losing my self control and losing my confidence. It's not gonna be hard for me if it's happen to be my mistake but it someone else's carelessness and I'm really mad. I have to fix myself for years of years before getting a life again. I'm in my early 30's and I think it's even harder to get in a relationship because my appearance became like this. I looks like a dirt or something I'm not really proud of. How can I contain myself after this? This is a total mess.
